Thursday, June 18, 2009

"i know i need to be in love."

It's a simple fact: I am a hopeless romantic. I know that, just like Karen Carpenter, I need to be in love, but the problem is, when push comes to shove, I can never seem to do anything about it. Why?

To put it simply, fear. It's crippling, really. You know the saying, nothing ventured, nothing gained? Well, in my mind, it's always been nothing ventured, no chance for embarrassment. I'm often reminded of a line in a Billy Joel song:

"I really wish I was less of a thinking man/
And more a fool who's not afraid of rejection."

A thinking man. Always a thinking man. More often than not, an over-thinking man.

I could blame it on a lot of other things. For starters, I wasn't exactly much of a catch through elementary and most of high school. Also, it seemed that most of the girls I have been interested were already in relationships at the time. Sure, those may, to the observer, seem like valid points. They're not. I ain't copping out of this one. It's all on me.

So where do I go from here?

That's a very good question. I'm on a journey of self-improvement, really, and this, to me, is the biggest hurdle. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of my inadequacies, (real or perceived,) I'm afraid of pretty girls, but most importantly, I'm afraid of the unknown. I don't know HOW someone may react if I talk to them, and that scares the willies out of me. If I don't want to end up as the male equivalent of a cat lady, I'm going to have to make some changes, and g*ddammit, I'm ready to make them.

Let's do this.

(Oh, and if you're wondering who those girls are... good luck. You ain't getting nothin' out of me. Suffice to say, they're all real people, people who were, sadly, never more than friends or acquaintances.)


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